


Old Habits Die (and So Do We)

by cynicallywritten



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Apartment AU, Chae Hyungwon-centric, Domestic Boyfriends, Domestic Fluff, Dreams, Dreams vs. Reality, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Don't Even Know, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lee Hoseok | Wonho is a Sofie, Lee Minhyuk (Monsta X)-centric, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mentioned Lee Hoseok | Wonho, Not Actually Unrequited Love, SLOW!!!! SLOW UPDATES bc i'm an unmotivated hoe, Self-Harm, Smoking, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Unrequited Love, hyungwon can't move on, hyungwon is dense as hell, i can't write please forgive me, i'm literally writing this for me and me only, like oh my god you might get mad, most of it happens on the rooftop, please stay safe ily, psych ward mentions, the chapter names are stupid and random and i love it, this is my comfort au lol
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:35:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26719891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cynicallywritten/pseuds/cynicallywritten
Summary: Hyungwon loves his apartment's rooftop.It's old, shitty and falling apart, but he loves it all the same. He loves the breeze, the heights, the ghosts and the little ray of sun by the name of Minhyuk, hidden between the thick clouds of smoke that Hyungwon makes every evening. Minhyuk loves Hyungwon, but Hyungwon can't move on.Just when Hyungwon's figured it all out, Minhyuk's gone, and Hyungwon is left desperately figuring out how to pick up the pieces and fix everything.
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon/Lee Hoseok | Wonho, Chae Hyungwon/Lee Minhyuk, Im Changkyun | I.M/Lee Jooheon, Son Hyunwoo | Shownu/Yoo Kihyun
Comments: 1
Kudos: 10





	1. Sparkling Lemonade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! here i am, working on three different fics because i love to jump around a lot :')  
> this one's quite graphic compared to my other two (as you might've seen from the tags) and tbh i think this is my favourite stuff to write so this fic might be a little self-indulgent. i wasn't planning on publishing it but if you find it then it probably means that i did and i hope you enjoy!
> 
> edit: i've since gone over the fic a little and decided i wanted to rewrite sections so that it fits better with the pacing i originally wanted, hope you don't mind it!
> 
> -r

It's a loud bang that wakes Hyungwon from his uneventful slumber, jerks him from his dreams so violently that for a second he can't tell the difference between them and reality. When he feels the bedsheets and sees the sun filter through the window, he thinks he's in the latter, but just to be sure, he pinches himself. He isn't sure whether to be pleased or disappointed that it hurts. Curious about the sudden noise, he jumps out of bed and opens his apartment door to investigate. It could've been his floormate Hyunwoo, dropping a dumbbell, and god, if he dropped it on his foot  _ again  _ Hyungwon would-

He hears voices, buzzing around the hallway. They weren't loud (or at least they were  _ trying  _ not to be), and there seemed to only be two, but it was too early in the morning and Hyungwon wasn't in his right mind to really be paying attention. They laughed, and he pushed down whatever mix of heartbreak and envy he had as he trudged outside. "Oh." He was face to face with two boys, seemingly around his age or younger, giggling as they brought boxes into the once empty apartment room. A few of them were on the ground, slightly beat up, and Hyungwon concluded that he'd found the source of the noise from earlier.

One of the boys had platinum, almost golden blonde hair, but his roots were beginning to grow in, and the other had wine red hair, freshly dyed. Scanning them up and down, he saw that the blondie had quite a large whale tattoo on his inner thigh, visible as he wore shorts and a hoodie. What a weird combination. The blonde seemed to be quite energetic, always talking and laughing, the same way a small dog kept barking, but more endearingly. The red haired fellow seemed to notice Hyungwon's incessant observation when he half-shouted at him: "What are you staring for, dude?" He seemed to act quite protective and territorial of the other man, but the said guy shoved him away into the apartment as he sauntered over to approach Hyungwon. "Sorry for that. Joo's intimidating to everyone the first time around, but I promise he's just a big softie," he explained, wearing a warm smile, which Hyungwon politely returned. "It's okay. You're both moving in I see?" A memory of him and his boyfriend flashed in his mind. Laughing the same way the two did just moments before, they brought in boxes and crashed onto the bed together. The man shook his head. "Just me. Joo's only helping me get all my stuff inside."

"Well, nice to meet you. I'm Hyungwon, and you'll probably meet your other floormates Hyunwoo and Changkyun sometime soon." The blondie hums, pulling the corners of his lips up a little higher. "I'm Minhyuk, and my friend's name is Jooheon." Hyungwon nodded awkwardly at that. "Do you still need help carrying anything else in?" Minhyuk only needed to nod, and Hyungwon was walking up and down the stairs with him, carrying a few boxes with him every time they came up. He hated stairs, and hated climbing up them even more, but he didn't mind talking to Minhyuk (or rather, it was Minhyuk talking to him and he had no problem listening), and he figured he needed more exercise anyways. Somewhere in the middle, Hyunwoo and Changkyun came out of their rooms and caught Hyungwon helping out, offering to help too. "The brown-haired guy with the bratz lips is Hyunwoo, and the purple-haired, big-nosed guy is Changkyun," Hyungwon whispered to Minhyuk, trying to be friendly towards the new tenant. Minhyuk was in a fit of laughs after 'bratz lips'. He decided that Minhyuk's laugh was a pleasant one, comparing it to sparkling lemonade.

"What did he say? I swear to god if he said something about my nose again–" Changkyun piped in, hearing Minhyuk's howls from the bottom of the stairwell. "Your exes always said that was the most noticeable thing about you. What do people say about big noses again?" Hyungwon teased the younger man, something he often loved to do. It was so easy to fluster him, and seeing him blush madly was always a plus. Hyunwoo was a complement to him, quiet and reserved. Hyungwon has always liked that about Hyunwoo; no rashness, no loud barking, no blazing teenage emotions, just a sort-of fatherly care that came off slightly awkward sometimes. If Hyunwoo was the calm sea, Changkyun was the occasional crashing wave, and Hyungwon was a focused swimmer that learned to navigate through both. A trio formed through time, necessity and the occasional trauma. Just like Minhyuk, Jooheon soon found himself loosening up to the small group as well, making quips and jokes and getting a little too close to the purple haired man of the group. It seems their trio was about to become a quintet.

"Bet you five bucks that they'll start dating within the week," Minhyuk said, nudging Hyungwon with his elbow. "Jooheon is shameless, and quite the romantic if you ask me." They both laughed, catching Hyunwoo's attention. "Changkyun's quite the player, so I can't be held accountable if he breaks Jooheon's heart once or twice," Hyunwoo adds, surprising the two. "Jooheon's exactly Changkyun's type, so I'm betting he'll be the heartbreaker instead," Hyungwon quipped back, chuckling at the idea of Changkyun's heart broken again. It's only happened a handful of times, and it was never horrible enough that they couldn't joke about it, but every time it's around thirty minutes of Changkyun vehemently denying they were ever meant to stay together followed by him ugly crying at some random romance movie, ice cream tub in his lap. "Joo wouldn't hurt a fly!" Minhyuk retorted reassuringly, setting down the last box on top of some others in the unfurnished room, now not as empty as before. "If Joo ever did anything to Kyunnie, I'd take it upon myself to choke him out or something." Jooheon seems to have hear him, and everyone was on the floor as he ruffled the blonde's hair just a little too forcefully.

"Thanks for the help guys." "It's our pleasure. Welcome home, Minhyukie." Hyunwoo was so welcoming when it came to new tenants, it was the same when Hyungwon and his boyfriend first moved in. "Okay, we need to celebrate with some of Hyunwoo's famous K-BBQ steak! We haven't had anyone move in at all since-" Changkyun stopped in his tracks, glad that he caught himself. "Sure," Hyunwoo agreed, moving away from the subject. Jooheon and Minhyuk didn't ask, whether they read the room or knew it wasn't their place, everyone was thankful for. "I'll help if you need me to," Minhyuk offered, something Hyunwoo would accept graciously, and Hyungwon was already halfway out Minhyuk's apartment when he said: "I'm heading to the rooftop for a while, call me when it's all ready." They let him go. They all knew Hyungwon went up there out of habit, to do what, they never knew. (They weren't about to ask him to help with the cooking anyways, he'd barely learned how to not burn their apartment down thanks to Hyunwoo.) Climbing the last few stairs to the roof, Hyungwon huffs. All those years spent going up and down those stairs and they're still tiring to climb every time, but the fatigue ebbs away once he reaches the top and the fresh breeze of the higher altitude hits him. He picked up the habit from his boyfriend, who would always come to smoke. Unfortunately (and out of his friends' knowledge), he picked up that nasty habit as well.

So he smokes, the scent of tobacco and nicotine and the feeling of it dancing in his lungs an odd sort of comforting. The smoke swirling around him mixes with the soft scent of the cold breeze, and as it hits his face, Hyungwon thinks (almost wishes, but he knows better) that maybe he could stay like this forever. He loses track of time, until what he assumes is a couple hours later he spots a familiar face coming up the stairs. "Minhyuk," he greets, fanning the smoke out of his face in an effort to look presentable. "The food's ready," the man says between huffs, "but I say that we make them wait a little." Hyungwon liked the playful, malicious tone he was hearing. "They won't start without us?" "Made sure of it. The party don't start 'til we walk in," Minhyuk, said, singing the part from the song. It made Hyungwon's lips curl up into a little smile. "I like how you think." They both laughed, and Minhyuk moves to across the entrance to the roof, getting comfortable near the ledge. Hyungwon continued business with his cigarette, Minhyuk watching him. "I didn't know you smoked." "Bad habit. My boyfriend came up here a lot to do it," he says, lighting another one.

"You don't mind, do you?" "No-" Minhyuk assures, nonchalantly, but the way he watches him bring the stick to his lips makes Hyungwon think otherwise. "-but you should really try kicking the habit sometime," he finishes, "Another time. Just– don't tell Hyunwoo or Changkyun, okay?" Leaving the question to settle in the empty air for a little, the blonde decides to shift gears without giving him an answer. "How long have you lived here?" The question rolls around in Hyungwon's mouth as his mind danced around for an answer. "A while, I think I'm going on...eight years now? I first moved in with my boyfriend, and we looked a lot like you and Jooheon when we first came up those stairs." Hyungwon relives the smiles and laughs they had while they moved all their stuff, bringing back the flash from before. "It was his idea, anyways." Minhyuk probably noticed the somber tinge to his words, but left it alone. "Seems like a pretty great guy," he comments, continuing with the question: "Who's the boyfriend?" Wrong question, Minhyuk. "I don't really want to talk about him." Hyungwon sighs, standing up from where he was and stretching. He  _ was _ a great guy, he thought. For five years, his boyfriend has made Chae Hyungwon the happiest imaginable. However, things changed. "You'll have to introduce me sometime," Minhyuk suggested, the railing he leaned on creaking suddenly. 

Hyungwon whipped his head around at the sound. He didn't notice it before, but Minhyuk backed up so he was standing dangerously near the edge of the rooftop, and was now leaning on the very old, very weak railing. The railing creaked and shifted, and Hyungwon wasn't sure if it could take any more weight. "Be careful," he warned,  _ because the railing is old and shitty like the rest of this apartment, and what if you fell on your first day here, and-  _ He didn't even notice himself gripping Minhyuk's arm, his hold tight and hurting the blonde just a little bit. After he heard a whimper, he loosened up, not completely letting go though Minhyuk squirmed under his touch. He felt something thick wrap around his arm tightly, and couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was as Minhyuk tried to tug his arm out of Hyungwon's grip. Minhyuk's breath was shaky, and his voice came out weak as he pleaded: "Please let go, Hyungwon." Just like that, Hyungwon pulled his hand away. "Sorry. I just thought it would be fucked up if on your first day here, you-" "-fell? Don't be silly," Minhyuk assures, finishing Hyungwon's sentence. His voice sounded like it normally did, no traces of the small and shaky tone from seconds prior. "Don't worry about me, I can take care of myself." He walks back towards the entrance of the rooftop without waiting for an answer. He stops after taking a few steps back down, turning back towards Hyungwon to see that he hasn't moved an inch. "C'mon, can't let Hyunwoo's steaks get cold!" Hyungwon crushes what's left of his last cigarette under his heel, and pops a minty gum in his mouth to mask the smell.

"What took you two so long?" Changkyun asks, sounding mildly annoyed but too childish to be taken seriously. They're all gathered at Hyunwoo's, since Minhyuk's place still needed to be unpacked and Changkyun's place is so messy it needs to be packed back up. They don't even consider Hyungwon's place, they don't hangout much in there. Not anymore. Hyunwoo's table is nicely done, enough plates set out for the five of them, and enough steak in the serving platters to feed double that. "It doesn't really matter, we're here now. Let's get to eating!" Minhyuk exclaims happily, having completely reverted to his usual self. Hyunwoo always makes the best beef steak, so Hyungwon's not surprised when everyone is wolfing it down hungrily. He's not as big an eater as everyone else, so he decides to go slow and savor every bite of the meal. After everyone (except for Hyungwon, being the slow eater he's always been) has eaten around half their steak, Changkyun decides to pipe up a conversation. "Okay, so let's get this straight first; how old are you two?" "I'm a 93' liner," Minhyuk states, Jooheon following by mentioning that he's a 94' liner. "Me too, what's your exact birthday?" As soon as Jooheon started with the word 'October', Hyungwon happily confirmed that he was, indeed, still older. "Nothing beats being a January baby," he boasted. "Hey, I'm a January baby too! How am I still always the youngest in the friend group?" Changkyun's complaints were silenced after Jooheon says "It's only natural when everyone wants to baby someone as cute as you anyways." Everyone laughed at the flustered Changkyun and the blushing mess he'd turned into.

From there it was small talk across mostly Minhyuk, Jooheon and Changkyun, though the others joined in periodically to have their own questions answered or to comment on something stupid someone said. When Hyunwoo decided to ask "How was your old place?" and "What made you move here?" Hyungwon could've sworn he saw Minhyuk tense up so much that there was a visible stop in his chewing, and the whole room was dead silent before Jooheon piped up. "Nothing special really, it just happened to be available and close to everything, my own place included." Jooheon talked about how his pad was a nice studio apartment with his own little recording studio to mess around with, Changkyun practically drooling over the idea. While everyone was distracted with Jooheon telling them about his own home, Hyungwon couldn't help but stare at Minhyuk in concern. He was slightly curled into himself, with his eyebrows pressed against each other to form a pained expression. Jooheon was drawing circles into his back as he talked, almost as if both of them aimed to draw attention away from him. It was a simple question, Hyungwon wondered why the blonde reacted so strongly. Minhyuk got up suddenly, the clink of his cutlery clashing startling the whole table and snapping Hyungwon out of his thoughts. Everyone's heads turned Minhyuk's way. "Thanks for everything today, the food was great and all but I should really get going," he said, his tone a little too rushed and a little too small, the same tone Hyungwon first heard on the rooftop. He wanted to ask if he was okay, but not in front of Hyunwoo and Changkyun. "See you around I guess," he added, pulling Jooheon along with him. It seems that the two left didn't notice, Hyunwoo standing up to collect the pair's plates to place them near his sink to wash before retuning to his own at the table. He looked at Hyungwon, slightly confused, and slightly concerned. "Anything wrong, Hyungwon?" The said man only shook his head, trying to shake off the thoughts inside them too, but they stuck like glue, keeping the concern with them too.

It was hard not to worry about Minhyuk, especially when he was like that.


	2. Lemon-flavored Ramyeon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter! i promise i'll get back to updating my other stories after this one, please forgive me ;;
> 
> \- r

He hissed whenever he burned another finger. He was going on three first-degree burns, and he blamed them all on a certain blonde that wouldn't leave his mind since the dinner at Hyunwoo's. It had been a couple days since then and he couldn't get over his worry for him after the way that he rushed out. Today, he planned on checking if he was okay, and also bringing him a little something to eat. Food managed to make everyone feel better, and while his cooking was subpar at best, it made his friends happy, so he had no doubt it would do the same for the blonde. Cooking was already hard enough for him, it was a learned skill that he had no natural talent for. He still remembers pleading Hyunwoo to keep teaching him despite the many times he nearly set his  _ own  _ apartment on fire. Originally he learned it to please his boyfriend (seldom does he do anything so difficult for himself), but it turned into an easy way for him to cheer people up.  _ "If Wonnie brings you food, he knows you're sad and wants to make you feel better!" _ his boyfriend would have probably said. It was the easiest way for him to tell someone he cared.

So he cooked, Minhyuk in mind. The noodles (though very slightly overcooked), felt as plush as a hug, and the broth (also slightly overcooked) held a sweet and warm flavour that could only be explained as affection. The side of beef slices (the only thing cooked properly, actually) emanated the fatherly care Hyunwoo had unintentionally taught him to instill into all the meat he cooked, and it was a subtle complement to the in-your-face comfort that the rest of the dish brought, the gentle hum to a pounce of excitement. Is that what cooking with love was supposed to be? Crappy ramyeon with a side of beef slices? Well, it was to Hyungwon. When he looked at his finished dish (not the best, he thinks, but if anyone could mess up ramyeon it'd be him), his only thought was that  _ Wonho would've loved this. _ It was the one dish Hyungwon always strived to be perfect after Wonho said that it was his only need in a relationship. _ "Someone who can make ramyeon really well, that's my ideal type."  _ So, it became his mission to make the best ramyeon anyone would find for miles (he hasn't gotten there yet, but he's getting better. Way, way better). Hyungwon smiles at the memory of the warm laughs of him, and Hyunwoo and Wonho. He  _ really  _ missed Wonho.

He decided that he was going to smoke before finding Minhyuk.

Returning to his safe space was easy, it was habit after all. It was like plopping down on a bed after a long day of work, and though the rooftop bench wasn't as comfortable, the blue, slightly cloudy sky seemed like pillows. He imagined himself up there, enveloped by them. Would they be soft and plush the way he saw them? Would they be practically impossible to lay on and he'd fall straight through, back to earth? The science was making his brain hurt, but luckily he was pulled out of his head by a blonde haired man coming up the stairs. "I thought you'd be here," Minhyuk says, and Hyungwon catches the slight frown as the older sees the cigarette situated at his mouth, but it disappears as if it was never there. The younger questions for a second if he's seeing things. "I got you this," the blonde says, shoving a small object into his hands. It makes a crunching noise before Hyungwon realizes it's a wrapper, and the object he's holding is a small lollipop. Bringing it to eye level, he can see it's yellow, a saturated version of Minhyuk's hair. He brings it next to the said man, and jokes; "It looks like you." Minhyuk let out a smile along with a little 'pfft', and as Hyungwon finished his cigarette he knew Minhyuk was leaning on the same rickety railing. Every creak made the younger tense, but it didn't seem to bother Minhyuk. "I won't fall with you there, you know. I wouldn't traumatize you like that." Hyungwon ignored the last part, and stood up with a hand out towards Minhyuk. "I've got a surprise for you," Hyungwon waits for him to follow his lead, down the stairs and back into the apartment. "C'mon, it's going to get cold."

Minhyuk thought Hyungwon's apartment had a lot of character despite it being so empty. Maybe it was the way Hyungwon's couch had a turtle pillow and a bunny one (what they meant, he had no idea), or maybe it was the way everything was just a little messy but had its own place. It felt lived-in, but also empty, like someone else was supposed to be there too. Maybe it was the posters of bands named 'Monsta X' and pictures on the walls of Hyungwon and Hyunwoo and Changkyun, as well as someone else someone Minhyuk doesn't recognize. The mystery man was muscular and sported jet black hair as well as a soft, heartwarming smile. Hyungwon clung onto him like a koala (and Minhyuk thought it was quite cute). He can't really tell how old all the photos are as they all look the same, except for Changkyun who had hair that was caramel-brown in colour. They all looked happy, and Hyungwon seemed to smile brighter in the pictures than in real life. "Ta da," Hyungwon said, bringing out two bowls of his finished ramyeon to the dining table. He notices Minhyuk quietly observing the pictures on his wall. There was a small smile on Minhyuk's face, and at that Hyungwon's own lips curled slightly. He basked in the warmth of his memories, and the smile in them he'd never forget. "Who is he?" Minhyuk asked, pointing to the burly man that Hyungwon was attached to in all the photos. "Wonho. My...boyfriend." "Oh." Minhyuk knew from last time at the rooftop that Hyungwon wouldn't talk, but he was curious, and seeing them together, smiling, makes him even more interested in why the said man was nowhere to be found. He didn't even have to ask before Hyungwon just started talking to him. "Those were...good times. That one-" Hyungwon points to a picture with a ferris wheel in the background, "-we went to a carnival for the first time. Wonho had the worst acrophobia ever but still wanted to ride the ferris wheel with me. He wanted it to be romantic, but he ended up crying when we got to the top." Hyungwon laughs, a dry laugh that gets caught in his throat. "What a dork." Minhyuk points to another set of pictures, various parisian landmarks, including the Eiffel tower, in the back this time. It was all just Hyungwon and Wonho. "...You guys...went to Paris?" Minhyuk treaded carefully. "Yeah. He surprised me with tickets on the week of our four year anniversary, just when I though he'd forgotten about it." Hyungwon felt warm remembering the way they'd walk around on the streets, vaguely understanding where they were thanks to Wohno's French to Korean dictionary. Wonho got them to do one of those things where you sat in one place for a while as they drew you, and Hyungwon kept that drawing of them in his bedroom. Minhyuk's heart warmed to see Hyungwon so happy, but he mentally prepared to destroy that feeling with his next question. "What...happened?"

The younger tensed at the question. "Too much. Sorry." Minhyuk bit his lip as he felt the tension set in, Hyungwon staying quiet. As much as the blonde didn't want to drop the subject, he wasn't going to force it out of him. While the air was still thick, Hyungwon took the opportunity to ask his more serious question too. "Are you...okay?" It gave him the chance to steer away from him and Wonho, though he didn't like how the blonde's expression contorted back into the hurt one from before. It was the third time he saw it since they'd first met, and Hyungwon already hated it with a passion. It made him feel disgustingly guilty, like he'd kicked a puppy. "I'm fine. I thought I told you not to worry," Minhyuk said, his voice small again. His eyes darted around, everywhere, anywhere where he wouldn't have to lock them with Hyungwon's. "I can't help it, not when you look like that," the younger said, referring to the expression he had on. "Old place is just a weird subject. Linked to bad habits and stuff." He smiled at Hyungwon reassuringly. "Thanks for worrying about me, but I promise I'm fine." Hyungwon hummed. "I get that. It's the same with my boyfriend." Minhyuk makes an 'oh' face at him, feeling slightly guilty, but the younger only sends back the same smile Minhyuk showed him just minutes before. There were layers, deeper secrets and explanations, but it was a mutual agreement to keep it where it was. A collaborative lie to believe that there was nothing else to talk about and nothing else to say. Hyungwon decided to finally change the topic. "Try some of my cooking?"

Minhyuk did, and Hyungwon watched him slurp up the noodles and lap up a slice of beef. The heavy air faded away, and it was like the tension had never occured to both of them. "Eh, it's a  _ bit  _ salty," Minhyuk expressed, watching Hyungwon visibly deflate before saying "-I'm joking. This is actually really good." He chuckled. "Where'd you learn how to cook like this?" Hyungwon slurps up a stream of noodles from his own bowl before answering. "My boyfriend loves ramyeon, and Hyunwoo's specialty is meat. I learned most of my cooking from him." Minhyuk wolfs more of the food down hungrily. "I should get Hyunwoo to teach me sometime," he exclaims, following his statement with "Unless you'd be up to teaching me?" It was Hyungwon's turn to laugh. "I'd be the last person anyone asks, but if you're okay with your apartment burning down, we can do it." "Arson? Sounds fun, why not." The two of them laugh together, and it's a perfect moment. This time it's not the nicotine that's addicting, it's Minhyuk's stupidly dorky laugh, and Hyungwon's forgotten (actually, he doesn't want to remember it at all,) the last time he laughed with someone this hard. He sighs, barely finishing his food (he wasn't a big eater and somehow always had too much on his plate) and pulls out his unfinished pack of cigarettes. Minhyuk's smile drops a little at that, and Hyungwon feels a little hurt. So he puts the cigarettes away, and takes out the lollipop Minhyuk gave him.

"Ew, that's fucking disgusting," Minhyuk says between small chuckles, watching the younger shove the lollipop into his mouth while slurping his leftover ramyeon up messily. The zesty artificial flavours mix with the warm broth to form an electric, bittersweet taste, and Hyungwon decides that it's not bad. "It's an acquired taste," he quips, and the blonde quips back with "All you acquired was a 'this ain't it', chief." They both laugh loudly again. "Lem-yeon will be a worldwide delicacy one day, I promise," Hyungwon assures, earning another laugh from the older. "Remember me when you're famous," he replies dramatically, the sarcasm dripping from his words. Hyungwon likes when Minhyuk is happy and joking around, and not small and shaken whenever the wrong questions are asked or discreetly frowning whenever Hyungwon pulls out his cigarettes. They get back into a lighthearted conversation about whatever came to (mostly Minhyuk's) mind. They talk about their friends, Minhyuk mentioning someone named Kihyun and how he thought him and the younger would get along, and somewhere down the line Hyungwon ends up telling Minhyuk that he used to play the piano. "I've always wanted to try learning to play something. Guitar maybe? I've always thought it might sound good with my voice," the blonde mentions. "You sing?" "For fun, I guess. I used to do covers but I guess it fell through," Minhyuk remembers the memories. Better times. "My boyfriend wrote and produced stuff. He'd always ask me to feature, but it ended up never happening." Seems like Hyungwon was feeling the same way. Better times. After what felt like hours spent playfully bantering, Minhyuk finally finished his portion with a hearty sigh. Looking out the window, he stood up. It was dark, but the moon and stars shone with a welcoming clarity.

"Let's go for a walk!" "Now? It's so dark out." "It's a  _ nice  _ kind of dark. C'mon!" Hyungwon let him lead him out of the house and down the stairs to the outside world. Minhyuk clearly liked the night sky, looking up like the stars were shining for him, their light reflecting in his eyes. He was in his own little headspace. "This is so cliche. Stargazing," Hyungwon stated. "Stargazing is  _ not  _ cliche. It's a  _ classic _ , and you  _ can't  _ tell me you haven't gone stargazing with your boyfriend-" "-No. We never went." The response was quick and harsh, and Minhyuk knew he was, once again, pushing his limit. They both dropped it. As they settled, the two of them stared at the vast expanse of twinkling stars. "Hyungwon look!" Hyungwon looks over to where Minhyuk is pointing, seeing the tail end of a shooting star flying by. "Make a wish." "You make a wish! You're the one who spotted it anyways," Hyungwon said, nudging him to do so. (He didn't care much for the idea of wishing, anyways.) As they both looked up at the sky, Hyungwon didn't notice the blonde boy looking back at him for a second. He smiled at him, looking back at the sky, and feeling the soft breeze of the night. "Can I wish for us to be friends forever?" Hyungwon stayed looking up at the sky, but asked back "It's your choice? I thought you weren't supposed to tell your wish to anyone if you actually wanted it to come true." Minhyuk's expression dropped at the realization. "Shit." Hyungwon broke his gaze at the stars to laugh at the older. "I'll use my wish then." "How will I know if you wished for the same thing then?" Minhyuk observed his face, looking for any sign of joking, but only found Hyungwon's lips curl into a genuine smile.

"You'll just have to trust me."


	3. Smoked BBQ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY!! i'm back lol, i'm sorry i never update but that's on depression i guess dkljflkj
> 
> anyways, i thank an instagram friend for reminding me this story exists and to write another chapter! i really miss this so who knows, maybe i'll write some more before dying again oof
> 
> also, happy holidays and merry christmas for ppl that celebrate! 2020 was depressing but hopefully the holiday cheer cheers you up a tiny bit :)
> 
> \- r

It's been a while since Hyunwoo came knocking at his door at eight in the morning.

Hyungwon was still knee-deep in sleep when he answered the door. He slept late the night before due to the impromptu stargazing session with Minhyuk, and everyone knew how much he treasured his beauty sleep. What they didn't know about was the said stargazing session though, so Hyunwoo was quite surprised to see Hyungwon so sleepy. "Something happen yesterday night?" He asked, letting himself in after the younger welcomed him. "Nightmare keep you up or something?" Hyungwon could only shake his head as he prepared his usual coffee. "Long night. Coffee?" The elder walked into the kitchen, taking over for the sleepy man. "Go take a nap on the couch or something. Tell me all about it when you're awake." Hyungwon was so thankful for Hyunwoo. As Hyungwon laid down, he could hear the calm whir of his coffee machine, and the clink of a couple of mugs. Then, for just a second, it was quiet enough for Hyungwon to settle, and-

"Wake up, sleepyhead. Your coffee's getting cold."

Hyunwoo was shaking him lightly, softly, and for a second in his hazy sleep he almost thought it was Wonho calling him. Hyungwon shot up to meet Hyunwoo. "Hyung." "You okay?" Hyungwon nodded before heading to the dining room. The older followed, unfazed. (He was probably tired was what he thought.) The coffee was on the table, one with a little bit of milk and sugar, and the other, which he assumed was his because Hyunwoo knew he liked it black and bitter as humanly possible. As soon as Hyungwon brought the drink to his lips he felt more energized. "Alive?" Hyungwon laughed. "Now I am." "Great, then you can tell me why yesterday was a 'long night'." The older waited, looking expectantly. It definitely had something to do with the new neighbor from almost a week ago (there just wasn't any other way to explain the recent change). "I just cooked for Minhyuk. He looked a little shaken after the whole dinner at yours, so I wanted to check in." Hyungwon left something out, and Hyunwoo knew. "Oh. That's nice of you." He would let the younger tell him about it when he felt like it. "Jooheon talked to Changkyun and I about it a couple of days later. He didn't say much, just not to mention it since the subject gets kind of...touchy? I don't really get it, but whatever makes Minhyuk feel better." Both of them sat in silence after Hyunwoo's short ramble, sipping their coffee, with a little music in the background (Hyungwon's courtesy). _Old place is just a weird subject. Linked to bad habits and stuff._ Maybe Hyunwoo didn't understand, but Hyungwon did. After all, he was still living in his house of memories. Literally.

He was taken out of his thoughts by the light clatter of Hyunwoo's mug against the table. "Wanna come to the gym with me today?" The question took Hyungwon by surprise, but it didn't show on his face. He hadn't been asked for a while now, not since maybe a month after everything with Wonho went down maybe? (He doesn't really remember, he just knows that after a while Hyunwoo stopped asking him and stopped coming by completely soon after.) He feels a little bit bad, so he contemplates saying yes, and Hyunwoo's offer of food afterwards just seals the deal. Hyungwon got up and slipped on his jacket, a hoodie that had always smelled like his boyfriend, smoky like ash, warm like vanilla and sweet like strawberries. With his mind made up, they leave Hyungwon's flat, immediately greeted by two colourful heads of hair and the men that own them. They swung by Hyunwoo's flat, so he could pick up his gear, all the while making small talk with Jooheon and Changkyun who had migrated from Changkyun's door to the oldest's. "What brings you here again, Heonie?" Hyungwon asks as Hyunwoo ducks into his place. "Checking on Minhyuk." All three of them glance at the closed door leading to the blonde's flat. "How's he?" "He's alright. Just tired, said it had been a long night." Hyungwon laughed at that, confusing the two slightly, but not enough to ask. "I'm also here to...erm...kidnap Kyunnie for a little." The said man blushes, hiding himself behind Jooheon and his fiery red hair. "Oh? Well have fun, and use protection~" The man teased, earning a slap on his shoulder from an even more embarrassed Changkyun before they both left the apartment shortly before Hyunwoo reemerged from his room. He was wearing a familiar bomber-style leather jacket, one he bought with Wonho a long time ago. Its matching counterpart was sitting deep in Wonho's side of closet, still untouched after all these years, probably covered with cobwebs and dust. Hyunwoo hadn't stopped wearing the jacket since Wonho left.

They were both out the door in a matter of minutes, and walking down the street in a little more. It wasn't awkward, just a little silent, so the two opted to start small talk between the both of them again. "Are those two dating now?" Hyunwoo asks, referring to Jooheon and Changkyun. "Yeah. You didn't know?" It really hadn't even been a whole week. "Really? Young love, I guess," Hyunwoo jokes, and the younger quips back with "Yeah, and Minhyuk owes me five bucks." For a second Hyungwon realizes how long it's been since he's dated anybody. (Both of them, of course, but Hyungwon meant Hyunwoo.) "You should try seeing someone too." Hyunwoo shakes his head, the faintest blush rising onto his cheeks. Seeing Hyunwoo blush made him seem younger, like a highschooler after their parents revealed something embarrassing in front of a crush. "I'm just not interested in anyone," he explains briefly. It wasn't new, Hyunwoo had gone forever without anything close to a romantic partner. After all, they lived in a calm part of Korea, where Hyunwoo, Hyungwon and Wonho were the only gays in town. They didn't have the drive to go out like Changkyun did, and Hyungwon had Wonho anyways. "Did you tell Minhyuk about Wonho?" The question again took Hyungwon by surprise. They talked about it, briefly. Surface-level stuff. They talked about their memories on the wall, like Hyungwon did with everyone. Anything beyond that was still a little too far.

Before Hyungwon got a chance to answer, Hyunwoo stopped sharply, the younger stopping with him. They were at the gym before Hyungwon realized (the previous subject was forgotten completely), and Hyunwoo was already pulling open the door before Hyungwon mentioned it said to push. They laughed a little at that. "I thought you came here often. How do you forget which way the door goes?"

"I never paid much attention to it, Wonho always got to the door before I did." Hyungwon stopped laughing. Hyunwoo clears his throat as he greets the person at the desk. They seemed to know each other pretty well, and somewhere Hyunwoo explained Hyungwon would just be watching, before Hyunwoo scanned his gym pass and led Hyungwon to his usual spot, possibly without bidding the man at the desk a goodbye, but maybe Hyungwon missed it. He watches the older do his thing with the dumbbells and contraptions that he didn't quite understand. Hyunwoo was kind enough to explain what each one did, and Hyungwon nodded along to the explanations awkwardly, not quite understanding but happy that the older made an effort to include him. Slowly, Hyunwoo introduced topics about Wonho into the conversation, with Hyungwon either not noticing or blocking it out completely. He was just absentmindedly agreeing and humming to whatever Hyunwoo said until he mentioned: "Wonho would've laughed so hard if he saw you here with me right now," with a laugh. Hyungwon tenses up. "Can we...stop talking about him?" Hyunwoo looks displeased, a rare mix of confusion and disappointment that makes Hyungwon feel feel guilty every single time he sees it. "I'm sorry." There was a ringing in his ears that was suddenly too loud, and a thought that screamed at the top of its lungs. _I need to get out of here and smoke. Now._ Tears billowed in the pit of his stomach and the base of his throat, and he felt, bad, but he couldn't cry in front of his friend. Not now. It would ruin everything. So he got up and left the gym, running to god knows where without a word. He blocked out the sounds of Hyunwoo running after him, shouting his name, and instead focused on taking deep breaths to push the tears down.

He sat down at a park bench, feeling the crunch of his cigarette pack in his pocket. He didn't care that Hyunwoo was a shadow looming just behind him, he just got out his lighter and lit up. "I...didn't know you did that." How would Hyunwoo know in the first place? He didn't answer. Just kept smoking, trying to calm down and stop the tremor in his hands and the cry in his throat. Hyunwoo sees this. So he sits down beside Hyungwon, breathing in the thick smoke that he (and Hyungwon, to an extent) hated so much. Hyungwon throws the cigarette butt on the ground when he's done, and Hyunwoo takes it as a sign that he could talk. "Better?" Hyungwon hummed, his throat feeling raw. _Much better._ "I was going to say it was okay. I'm not going to force anything on you. I know how hard it was." The younger leaned on Hyunwoo's shoulder. His head still pounded a little from the way his mind short-circuited. "For the record, I'm still trying to move on too. He was the best friend I could ever have." Hyunwoo leaned back on him, pulling him closer. Sitting like that, leaning on each other on a park bench outside of Hyunwoo's usual gym, Hyunwoo wanted to say something. He wanted to tell him it was okay for him to lean on him sometimes, that it was okay to come to him, that he didn't want him to bear that pain alone, that he _gets_ it. The words, however, get stuck in his throat and instead he just hugs Hyungwon's fragile frame a little closer.

"Let's get something to eat?" Hyungwon heard Hyunwoo's stomach rumble as they separated, getting up from the bench. The space didn't last long, though, since Hyungwon was pulled back under Hyunwoo's arm. He leaned into it, and Hyunwoo smiled as they walked to their next destination.

Hyungwon knows he wanted to say something, but he has a feeling he already knows what it is, and he's thankful.


End file.
